A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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