Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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