I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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