She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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