Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
