I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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