I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Randomize
