I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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