My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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