i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
