It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
It's never too late to be topless.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
