The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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