if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize
