I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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