Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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