i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
