My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
