I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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