Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
