Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
