Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
