I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize