I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
