woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
being pregnant is like rehab
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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