thus making me awesome and them whores
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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