i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
