And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
