Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
