Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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