why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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