shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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