i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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