What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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