just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize