Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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