My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
