I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
