really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
