If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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