you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Text me some of your sweat
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
