how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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