Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You can't just leave with hair like that
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
