1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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