You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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