Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
