I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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