The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
