I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
