i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
no, he came in my armpit
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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