You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
40s are totally the cure
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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