I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
