Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
