My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
