I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
