Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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