He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
